When you’re planning a backpacking adventure, you pack strictly what you need to not weigh yourself down.
You use every nook and cranny the best way you can, making use of each zipper and pocket.
You grab the essentials: a toothbrush, a change of clothes, extra underwear, your camera, some water, and snacks.
Then you might throw in a few things that aren’t necessary, like your favorite hoodie or a jar of peanut butter. You don’t NEED these extra items for your goal or destination, but hey they might come in handy right?
Lastly, you grab 12 solid bricks and place those bad boys right on top in the pack.
You seal it all together with a nice little bow, and pick up the bag pretending it isn’t difficult to bear.
I mean, this is what we do with our lives, right?
We equip ourselves with what we need, include things that make us happy, and add those heavy emotions and events and pretend they don’t drag us down.
Where does this get us? In my experience, I’ve ended up in more pain than I started with. I carried those bricks on my back for too long, bringing me to the point of exhaustion and breaking.
I want to welcome you to my heart here in this blog. I’m taking my bricks out one by one, and handing them off to the Lord. While I can try and convince myself over and over again that my pack is capable of carrying them, I’ve finally realized it can’t. The Lord not only has the strength to carry my burdens for me, but He IS the strength I needed to hand them over. If you decide to keep reading, I need you to know that these burdens, or bricks, are no longer my own. I can’t carry them anymore, but thankfully my Father wants to. He’s voluntarily opening His hands for me to place them in. I no longer carry the shame that goes along with these, nor will I ever, thanks to His strength being greater than my own. I ask that you as my friend do not pick up anything of mine that isn’t your own, for they aren’t yours to bear. Since this is my heart, I also ask you are careful with it. It’s delicate, and I am thankful for this.
When I was younger, I spent many days at my grandparent’s house during the summer since my mum was at work. Mama and Papa loved me well by taking me to parks, having picnics, riding bikes, the list of our fun activities could go on for pages. But sometimes, they needed to rest. This left me coloring, until I found games on the computer. My favorites were dress up games and cooking games. I would play these for hours, perfecting the perfect outfit and best burger. (Online that is, I can’t cook for crap.) One afternoon when I began my quest for a new game, my selection took me somewhere I wasn’t expecting: a pornography site. I can’t imagine what my facial expression looked like, but I know for a fact I was in utter shock. I clicked out as fast as I could as I could feel embarrassment creeping into my cheeks. Panic.
“What even WAS that..?” I asked myself this for days after. Eventually, my curiosity got the best of me. I went back to the site trying to find an answer to settle my curiosity. Time after time of going back there, I only found embarrassment and shame. Instead of my daily routine of coloring and dress up games, this site consumed my time and thoughts. For 2 years of my life (around the ages of 10-11), I was stuck in a cycle of going to this site, feeling the weight of shame from it, and then stopping for a week or so. I was angry that I couldn’t get out of this cycle full of sin and shame. I told myself that I was disgusting. I heard all the time about the struggle of pornography, but only in grown men. This gave me an even greater feeling of disgust with myself. I carried the weight of this shame for a solid 5 years before letting anyone into the shadows of it. Handing it off to the Lord was easy once the truth was in the light, but it was the process of actually taking the brick of shame out of my pack that hurt so greatly.
My heart aches at the fact that these sites even exist. Truly, there are hundreds. My heart aches more though at the fact that I continued to go back for more. The fact that thousands of people are enslaved in this cycle of addiction makes me want to scream and cry. Knowing the freedom that comes from bringing this part of my life into the light also brings tears to my eyes, but these are tears full of thankfulness. I am owning the fact that it was my choice to continue to watch these pornographic videos, the last thing I would want to do is put this blame elsewhere. Yet in each day, each video, the Father still said yes to my heart. He still wants time with His daughter, no matter what my eyes have seen.
Of course He didn’t want this FOR me, but He surely still WANTS me.
He had His hands wide open for me to rid this brick from my own pack, and is giving me the strength to do so. The Father loves me so that He didn’t want me walking with unnecessary weight. And I could not be more thankful. I truly thought I was over the shame that came with this, but the idea of you all reading this clouds my mind with confused thoughts. “I shouldn’t post it because that one person might read it…” kept playing through my mind. Yet, even if someone reads this and is upset by it, I pray at least one person reads it and is encouraged by it.
Not knowing this part of my life may change the way you see me. You might consider this to be too vulnerable to be putting on the internet, but I know the Lord has forgiven me for this. I’m still working through this shame, but I know I’m walking in freedom. I would love to see men and women around me walking in this freedom as well. Thank you for listening to what my heart had to say. If you have any questions or need someone to talk to, feel free to email me at [email protected]. I’ll answer as soon as I’m able!
Much love,
Bernadette
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Take a Listen…
“Lay it All Down” by Will Reagan and United Pursuit
“Lake Michigan” by Rogue Wave
“In the River—Live” by Jesus Culture
A bold, beautiful blog. Laying each brick down. And don’t we all have them? You are mighty and courageous- and your bricks will build a bridge to help heal others. Can’t wait to be a part of your PVT, and hoping it’s a chance for others to lighten their load!
Oh honey…all I want to do right now is give you one huge hug!! This blog took so much courage and strength to write. Our Heavenly Father does love you so very dearly!! I’m thankful you have to ability to feel that love from Him and accept His love. We’ve all done things we are ashamed of or caused us much embarrassment so you are NOT alone in that!! But handing it over to the Lord…taking those bricks out of our bag takes much courage and strength that comes completely from relying on God and leaning into Him. I’m very proud of you! Love you much!! Praying for you!
Ok, either my sister and I think the same, OR her reaction is going to be most of our reactions! Because my first thought was wanting to give you a huge hug!! And my second thought was to tell you how strong you are for sharing and such encouragement for those struggling with addictions!! We’ve all done things we wish we could “undo”, so you are not alone!! But sharing and helping others is a huge step. So proud of you. And I have to tell you again that you write so well. In the beginning I was totally following with your backpack, then I was like – why would she say she put 12 bricks in her pack?? GREAT analogy!!! I’m SO sorry you had to go through all of this, and SO annoyed what the internet has caused children these days!! But love how you have relied on the Lord and came through stronger and trusting Him more!! Big hugs and big prayers for you!!
You are one brave, vulnerable woman Bernadette Beacham. I am so proud of you and love you with all my heart.
So proud of you, my friend. You live with such BOLDNESS.
I too just want to give you a great BIG HUG!! Every time I read one of your blogs I love you more and more and more!! Only someone who KNOWS our BIG GOD loves them unconditionally could share what you shared!! Hoping God forgives us is one thing but KNOWING Is a completely different wonderful thing!! And you absolutely know He has forgiven you. Don’t we have an awesome Heavenly Father!! Much love and hugs!! “Grandma” Pat
Sweetheart… I too echo what everyone is saying and would love to hug you!! Your volunability and raw honesty are a testimony to even us old folks. You are breaking chains sweet one and the enemy has no hold on you anymore!! Lift your head in victory because you have overcome!! I’m proud of you!??
My fav song is Overcomer by Mandisa
Here are some lyrics that may inspire you like they have me..
The same man, the great I am
The one who overcame death
Is living inside of you
So just hold tight, fix your eyes
On the one who holds your life
There’s nothing he can’t do
He’s telling you
You’re an overcomer
Stay in the fight ’til the final round
You’re not going under
‘Cause God is holding you right now
You might be down for a moment
Feeling like it’s hopeless
That’s when he reminds you
That you’re an overcomer
You’re an overcomer
Wow Sweetie, this has me crying and rejoicing…. crying tears of joy and thanksgiving that The Lord has freed you and is redeeming this… crying tears of tenderness and love that you experienced this, that I was unaware so could not help you process, that you walked this alone for so long, that I can’t hug you right now!
I LOVE YOU SO SO SO VERY MUCH and am SO SO SO VERY PROUD OF YOU!
Thank you for being so strong and courageous in The Lord… trusting Him with this! Thank you for being so brave and obedient to The Lord… releasing this and breaking chains!
What we have overcome through The Lord, we have authority over! May the ripple from this blog bring healing for many others! May The Lord continue working through you… bringing freedom for many!!
Sweetie, your love for and trust of our Heavenly Father inspires me… moving me to chase even more after HIM! I am honored and blessed to be your mum xoxoxox
Bernadette, God bless you, dear one for your courage to fling into the light your battle. “Confess your sins one to another and you shall be healed.” James 5:16. HEALING IS HERE!! Healing is now. Healing is yours! Your willingness to be vulnerable and truthful is your ticket to freedom in Christ. My heart aches for you and so very many others who’ve battled similar experiences, but I rejoice in GOD’s REDEMPTION for you!!!
You’re awesome Bernadette!!
Keep it up pursuing Him and getting rid of those bricks that He so desperately wants to take from you!!
Love you,
Nicholas
Bernadette, I’m SO very proud of your courage to write with such vulnerability. Wow. When I posted last night, I was so taken with God’s healing for you, that I wrote without really thinking. This morning I’m feeling insecure and worrying that quoting the verse from James could potentially hurt your heart, and that’s the LAST thing I want. Since you don’t really know me, you may not hear the love in my voice. Will you please forgive me? I’ve battled shame in past seasons of my life and know it’s deception, so I guess I’m sensitive about not wanting to trigger it for you or anyone else. May you see that brick in the hands of Jesus and watch as He shatters it into a million pieces and blows it away in the wind. With love, Justus’ mom and praying friend with your sweet Mum.
Okay YES Bernie. You are growing and becoming such an honest and light-filled woman! You have so much power and authority through Christ and you are CLAIMING it! Thankful that you are learning all of this and that you’re not gonna let the weirdness of this world tell you who you are or what you’re worth. Love you times a million.
Bernadette- Nothing you can ever do would make God love you less than he does right now; and nothing you do will make him love you more than he does right now. That is the beauty of his unfailing love- the more we embrace it, as you have been, the more freedom we walk in, as you are. You are a treasure and a delight to so many – thanks for sharing your heart, it blessed me greatly. Much love, Pat M.
Your are a strong and courageous woman, Bernadette! Your heart for the Lord and your obedience to Him is beautiful.
I love you! You got this! Keep giving those bricks to Him.
Emily
Bernadette, You are loved. You are HIS daughter. You are brave. You have a heart for God. All of these things give me great hope for your generation.
Hey, girl! That was a great big blog off your heart! Well-doing! Keep up the necessary, but critical work! you may not be surprised there is a “tale or parable” called “Sack of Stoner is”, which is so close to what you have expressed here.
I love and pray you become for others what He is for you…”the comfort and the lifter of your head.”
Gosh, I’m just now reading these comments– i love you so very much Miss Dana. Thank you for always loving me so well.
Hi Mrs. Hyde!!! I’m jut now reading these comments, and wow. I see and hear your heart shining so brightly in your words. Your first comment made me smile, and your second made me tear up! Of course I forgive you. Knowing you and feeling your sweetness in all you do, I feel so loved and seen by you. I’ve been praying for you and your husband and am SO thankful for your prayers as well! Sending a lot of love your way!!